Monday, February 6, 2012

Why "Cruel" Cline?

The question Why are You Eric "Cruel" Cline Instead of Merely Eric Cline? has no easy answer.

Oops.  Wait.  Actually it does.  It's because that *@&#!!! insurance agent Eric Cline stole the URL.  Behold! 

Damn you, Eric Cline, of Seaford, Delaware!  (No relation.)  I hereby order all of my loyal fans to boycott his financial products!  (Yes, I know most of you are homeless drifters, but if you do ever scrape together enough money to buy financial products, promise me you won't buy them from the URL-stealing Eric Cline.)

Oh, I had other dreams, before I became an author.  Dreams of power.  Dreams of influence.  Dreams of a political career.  But they were all shattered when some fancy-pants Canadian sullied the waters for me:  (No relation.)

Yeah, that's right.  THE "Eric Cline" on Wikipedia is the former Health Minister for Saskatoon, Saskatchewan (or is it Saskatchewan, Saskatoon?).  Not only that, but he dared to pursue political goals I don't believe in; I mean, the very idea of promoting a Mineral Sands Processing Facility at the Regina Research Park!

So politics was out.  But at least writing was in.  I had the field all to myself . . .


That's right.  An Eric Lee Cline (no relation) of Kentucky has posted Star Wars fan fiction!

I hereby call down Armageddon on the world!

Whoops, I can't do that either.  Because respected scholar Eric H. Cline, Ph.D (  (no relation) is a world-renowned authority on the Biblical Armageddon.  So he has all the authority over that.

So, the world is littered with semi-famous Eric Clines who are all insurance agents, retired Canadian politicians, fan-fic writers (gasp! choke!), or Indiana Joneses.

There is no room left for me on the web as Eric Cline.

Thus, Cruel Cline was born.

I patterned my nom de sade after my hero, Ambrose "Bitter" Bierce.  All of you reading this are hereby ordered to read his truly perfect story, set during the American Civil War (which, in real life, Bierce fought in), called "A Son of the Gods."  After you read it, you may note some ... similarities to the opening scene in Kevin Costner's movie Dances with Wolves.

The only thing I can do to comfort myself in the situation is to recite the classic German poem:

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
His name is my name, too.
Whenever we go out,
The people always shout,
"There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt!"
Nah nah nah nah nah nuh nah!

The REAL Eric Cline.  Accept no substitutes.